Buffy
I'm a fucking Waitress

   Lily
Buffy?

   Buffy
Fuck right off, Mushroom-girl!

   Ken
This is fucking Hell!

   Lily
Oh, fucking hell...

   Buffy
I'm Buffy, the fucking Vampire Slayer! Cop this!

   Joyce
Where the fuck have you been?

   Buffy
Fucking LA.

   Everyone
Where the fuck have you been

   Buffy
Fuck this.

[Angel falls from Sky]

   Buffy
Where the fuck have you been?

   Angel
Fucking Hell!

   Faith
I'm the fucking slayer!

   Buffy
I fucking am

   Faith
Fuck

   Xander
Yeah!

   Mayor
Let's watch the language, 'kay?

   Angel
I'm off to fucking LA

   Buffy
Fuck

   Anya
I avenge fucking men

[Giles twats Anya]

   Faith
I'm fucking evil!

[Buffy twats Faith]

   Mayor (becoming big snake)
Lets's watch the language

   School
Oh, Fuck off!

[Buffy twats mayor]

[College]

   Buffy
I'm fucking miserable

   Riley
I'm fucking dull

   Willow
I'm fucking Oz

   Oz
I'm fucking Veruca

   Willow
I'm fucking gutted

   Oz
I'm fucking off

   Spike
I'm fucking back!

   Willow
I'm fucking dead

   Spike
I'm fucking neutered

   Riley
I'm fucking Action Man (NB - GI Joe for US market)

   Giles
I'm fucking redundant

   Willow
I'm fucking Gay!

   Anya
Fuck?

   Xander
Yeah!

   Faith
Hey! I'm Buffy

[fucks Riley]

   Buffy
Fuck - I'm Faith

[They fight. Faith fucks off to LA]

   The Initiative
We're a fucking mistake!

[Adam wipes out Initiative]

   Joss
Burn it down - and salt the earth!

[Dracula appears]

   Buffy
Fuck off, cloak-boy - who do you think you are, Dracula?

   Dracula
Yes.

   Buffy
Fuck.

[Stakes Dracula. Dracula leaves to become ineffectual hitman]

   Dawn
I'm a fucking mystery!

   Glory
I'm a fucking Goddess!

   Buffy (to Glory) and Audience (to Dawn)
You're fucking annoying!

   Monk
She's the fucking key!

   Buffy
Eh?

   Joyce
I'm fucking Dead

   All
Fuck! While we can cope with the metaphorical horrors of the Hellmouth, we cannot deal with death in its real form.

   Spike
I fucking love you!

   Buffy
Oh, fuck off!

   Glory
I have the fucking key!

   Giles
I'll fucking kill Dawn

   Buffy
Like fuck you will

[Kills self]

   Everyone
Fuck.

Originally posted in Literary Buffistas! (#2375), WX, May 28, 2002.

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